Dear suicide

I'm told to stay strong, keep fighting, but they don't understand I've already lost. I do not fear you, I never have. I've always welcomed you with open arms. I've been told that you're a selfish alternative, that it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. What they don't realize is, I haven't been okay for some time now. I've become an Emmy award-winning actor in my own life.

Any day. Any hour. I can fake a smile and I can make you believe that it is genuine. I can act as bright as the sun or as bubbly as a Sprite on a summer day and you would never know the difference. Someone asked me if I was afraid of dying. I thought of you and said not at all.

Truth is, ever since I was 12, I never feared you. At times I felt alone you were always there taunting me. You stayed by my side and begged me to give in to you. At times, I did and others, I was strong enough to tell you no. I allowed myself to be mutilated with your name in vain. I looked to you like you were my only option, but as I grew up, I learned that you were not my only friend.

I turned to bad habits, I turned to people who destroyed me because I thought that it was all I was worth. I let others determine who I was and what I was worth. You were always in the back of my mind, and I honestly missed you for a bit. You were my security blanket in a world of hurt. My right-hand man. My back up plan. What I'd dreamt of ever since I was young.

They tell me I'm not alone and they're right. When it's four a.m. and I need someone to be with me, you've always been there along with my thoughts. Some days are easier than others and some days you're more prevalent.

But I will not let you win. I will not let you morph my thoughts into a jumbled mess anymore. I refuse to lose in this war against you. You will always be a piece of me and I've come to terms with that, but I will not let you take over my life anymore. I am beautiful. I am an intricate part of a phenomenal universe, and I play a role in it.