...numb...

I am tired, and it is so awfully difficult to feel sad and tired when all you want is to feel alive.

I feel numb. That's it... Just numb. It's quite a hard feeling to describe in all honesty. Yes, I feel physical pain, but when it comes to emotions I don't feel much. Sometimes I feel like there is no way out of this hell that I'm permanently going to be stuck in. I constantly wonder what it's like to feel. Something. Anything...

And then it hits me. Every negative emotion I should have felt when I was emotionless comes back to me. Sometimes it slowly creeps up on me and other times it happens faster than a car accident.

It's not like I don't try to feel things, all I do is search for something to care about, only for my findings to come up empty.

Sometimes not feeling anything is nice. When someone hurts you, you can just shake it off like nothing has happened, but then when your brain decides it's time to feel again you're hit with this semi truck of emotions. Most times I break down and cry for hours, but there are other times where I'm completely and utterly angry or irritable. Waves of happiness are very rare for me. I tend to describe my life as a black and white wonderland. I don't really see my life as colorful and although I have many things to be grateful for, I can't help but feel guilty for feeling this way.

I can't remember a time I truly felt alive, but then again what does alive feel like? Is it this state of extreme happiness because god knows I can't remember a time when I felt that. I try to remind myself that feelings are temporary and that they change constantly, but tell me, how do you escape the feeling of wanting to die?