An open letter to the man that mentally abused me

Dear abuser,

I don't know what I was thinking when I was with you. I wish I could say that I don't regret being with you because I learned something, but you and I both know that would be a lie.

Needless to say, you destroyed me. My brain was clogged with confusion, devastation, and constant apologies I thought I owed you. I thought I was crazy and I thought I was wrong. Most of all, I felt sorry for you...

However, I can see clearly now. I hate myself for the trust I wrongfully handed to you and the control I allowed you to have over me. I truly hope that you now understand how unhealthy your version of love is.

Allow me to open your eyes.

It wasn’t okay when you called me crazy and made me feel completely and utterly useless.

It wasn’t okay when you demanded I get your permission before I go out with my friends.

It wasn’t okay when you called me a waste of space that messed everything up.

It wasn’t okay when you constantly accused me of being a slut when you were the one who was cheating on me.

It wasn't okay when you claimed no one loved me and no wonder my dad had left me.

It wasn't okay when you called me fat, ugly, and told me I was incapable of being loved.

And it most definitely was not okay when you convinced me that no one else would ever love me.

You told me I was lucky to have you, but I was anything but. I was in my own personal hell that you ran. I can't believe I let it all happen. I didn't listen to my mom when she told me you were no good... I should have listened.

I was warned. I'm better than you and even better without you. You were wrong when you told me nobody else loved me, and you were wrong when you told me I couldn’t live without you. You were wrong for how you treated me and you were so very wrong that you thought you could get away with it.

I went against everything I stood for, everything I believe in, just to try to justify your abuse. I should have known better. You didn't lay one hand on me but you left me bruised with such pain it feels like you did. I remember always thinking to myself that your behavior wasn't right. That putting me down is not an act of love. That being afraid to see you is not normal. I knew in the back of my mind that you were no good for me. But when everything in the universe was telling me to run as fast as I can it only led me to fight against it all. Family and friends constantly pointed out the obvious neglect so I put up a fight on your behalf. "But he loves me" I'd plead. "It's my fault, things are going to change" I'd beg. "He'll change. I promise" I'd urge, but you never did.

Looking back on it, I was dumb. I was ignorant, but most importantly I was young. It's been three years and it still hurts like it was yesterday. No, I don't have feelings for you anymore, but the scars you left my heart with will always be with me and I will always question if I'm enough for someone because of how hurtful you'd been.

But I'm taking my power back. It's time I stand up to the abuse that you put me through. Go ahead and tell everyone how "crazy" I am. Go ahead and tell people how I "ruined you" and how I was the "biggest and ugliest girl you ever dated". Say anything you want. Today on August 14th, 2018, I realize I am better than you. I am more than you and I am more than you made me feel.

I went against everything I stood for, everything I believe in, just to try to justify your abuse. I should have known better. You didn't lay one hand on me but you left me bruised with such pain it feels like you did. I remember always thinking to myself that your behavior wasn't right. That putting me down is not an act of love. That being afraid to see you is not normal. I knew in the back of my mind that you were no good for me. But when everything in the universe was telling me to run as fast as I can it only led me to fight against it all. Family and friends constantly pointed out the obvious neglect so I put up a fight on your behalf. "But he loves me" I'd plead. "It's my fault, things are going to change" I'd beg. "He'll change. I promise" I'd urge, but you never did.

The woman who deserves better.