An open letter to the man I used to love

Pinky promises mean a lot to me, maybe it's because they're a sacred vow of a trust or a bond between two souls. Or maybe it is because at that moment that our pinkies were linked, I didn’t have to let go. I knew that I could count on leaning my head on your shoulder when I needed some strength. I knew that even with my negative thoughts, I had stability when my hand was in yours. You could make me smile when I didn’t want to and feel beautiful when I couldn’t appreciate my imperfections. With all that was uncertain, there was one thing that I could clearly see: I was in love with my best friend. Everything seemed just right.

But everything that was beautiful soon became my past. Looking back on it, our relationship wasn't as perfect as I thought it was, but then again what relationship is? I was always taught to forgive others and believe me, I want to forgive you.

I can't forgive you for the lies you told or for the nights I stayed awake until 4 a.m. letting our memories haunt me and turn me into a nostalgic insomniac. You broke me down little by little as if I never meant anything to you. The sad part is you never apologized and even if you did, I could never accept your apology. "I'm sorry" doesn't bring the old me back. It doesn't change what it ruined.

I don’t blame you for everything. We all change in an attempt to find ourselves. I know I messed up too, regrets that I will keep in the back of my mind, but I do blame you for thinking that finding yourself meant getting rid of someone who would have given up the world for you.

We went from best friends to strangers, as if the times we shared meant nothing.

Love went from genuine care to ego, doubt, jealousy, ownership.

We let the monsters within us win, and now I’m trying to carry on without you because I finally accepted that I was holding onto the past. For the longest time, I was thinking that maybe there was some destiny for us out there, a positive one where we could give things another shot and see that there was a reason we held on for so long.

But then I realized that all we had between us now was old photographs, memories, and messages.

I don’t know if you ever think about us, or what could have been. I just know that you said goodbye to once was.

Maybe the actual words didn’t come out of your mouth, but you said goodbye the moment you stopped trying to make me smile, and the thought of me leaving didn’t scare you. So this is me leaving, in an attempt to get back the sleepless nights and hopeless dawns. To repair my broken heart, and to stop the tug of war between my heart and mind.

This is me saying goodbye too, in an attempt to let myself know I am okay, even if that is a lie, just like you were.

I deserve to be happy too.