An open letter to eleven year old me

Dear eleven year old me,

You're writing this at 20 years old and you're looking back on this picture and thinking "my god I was so ugly," but trust me, I think you're beautiful and as you grow up, you're only gonna get wiser and more beautiful, just listen to me on this one... There are so many things I want you to know so I guess I'll start with this:

I want you to know that you are more than what you're beginning to feel. You are more than what you will be diagnosed within 7 years.  In your lifetime, you will go through a lot of heartbreaking ordeals, fun adventures, and life-changing decisions. I know you feel lost, I know you feel alone, and I know you wish you could change everything about yourself, but I promise you that in 9 years you're gonna find someone who loves you for everything you are... It may not be who you thought it was, but my god do they love you with their whole heart. Everything that you're going through right now is worth it, it made you who you are today. I wish I could tell you that these years are the toughest of your life, but I'm not going to lie to you. Nonetheless, you'll make it through.

I wish I could tell you to be more kind to yourself, but I know you won't listen to me. You're quite the stubborn one. I wish I could go back in time to the exact moment you first hurt yourself to tell you that it's gonna stick with you for the next 9 years. I want to tell you that no matter how hard you try, it may be a habit you'll never shake. However, you are 20 years old and you haven't self-harmed in five months. You've made it to a year before and I know that seems completely impossible right now, but trust me, it's possible.

I wish I could tell you that the people that are in your life right now will be the people that remain in your life when you're my age. There will be people that you distance yourself from and it's gonna hurt like hell, but trust me, it will make you stronger in the end. You will meet so many new people and they're gonna hurt you, but there are also some people that will stick with you forever and change your life. Let me tell you about some of them.

This is Zoe aka your first real best friend. You and Zoe were best friends for about five years, you weren't always best friends, but when you were, it was amazing. Zoe was the sunshine on your cloudy day and the type of person to sit with you in the dark until you were strong enough to stand on your own. You did everything together. You never really thought you

could have a friend like this, but you did. She changed your life. She taught you that not everyone will screw you over like you thought they would. Although you guys didn't stick with each other forever, the impact she left on you will affect you forever. She was like your sister and you'll always wish her well, but you learned that sometimes good things have to come to an end.

This is David aka your first high school friend. David changed the way you viewed life. David was a smart, eccentric, kind, and empathetic young man. You guys were only close friends for about three years. He passed away on June 17th, 2016. You guys talked about the wedding you'd have one day. He promised that he'd be there and told you that no matter what happens after high school, he'd always be friends with you. It's been two years and you're still not over his passing, but you know that no matter how many years go by, he wouldn't want you moping around. He taught you that no matter how challenging life may be, you're gonna make it through and there's always gonna be a happy ending.

This is Molly aka your current best friend. You've only known Molly for about five months, but she's the most real person you know. She's always there for you when you need a smile or when you're bawling your eyes out at 2 am. She genuinely loves and cares for you and that's all you've wanted in a best friend. She trusts you with anything and you as well. Molly taught you how to trust and trust wisely. She taught you how to be yourself and do not care what

other people think of you. She's gonna be in your life forever and I can promise you that.

You know who this one is... It's Mom almost ten years from now. You and Mom have a couple rocky roads ahead of you, but I promise you that when you're 20, she's gonna be your best friend. Mom has taught you a lot growing up, but the most important thing she taught you is how to be independent and how to love yourself even if no one else does. She taught you that there's always a reason to keep pushing and no matter how hard things get, you keep on pushing. She's a pain sometimes, but she loves you endlessly and you're gonna realize that later on. No matter who leaves your side or your corner, she's always gonna remain, and that's a fact.

And last, but certainly not least, my dear... This is you at 20 years old. You've grown so much since eleven years old, but you still remain a kid at heart. You've learned a lot and you continue to learn more and more every day. The hardest thing you're struggling with right now is loneliness, but you know it will pass because it always does. I've taught myself a lot, but the most important thing I've learned is that you need to love yourself no matter the circumstances because I promise you that you are beautiful.

There's so much more I want to tell you, but there are somethings that you need to learn on your own. You have a rough couple of years ahead of you but I promise that it'll all be worth it in the end. You are beautifully, remarkably, imperfectly human, and because of that, you have your own uniqueness about you. That uniqueness is earth-shattering, and it will change the world someday. Don't change yourself to please everyone else. You will only feel deflated in the end, empty of the beautiful spirit that once thrived inside of you.

Have your own opinions, and share them with the world. Do not be afraid of the ideas in your head and the songs of your heart. Don't waste these precious years of life pretending to be somebody you're not. Set yourself free.

And lastly, move forward and achieve great things, you will not be disappointed, and you will love who you are becoming.

Love always,

Your older self.